judgement

I have always believed that we have no right to make judgements of someone or their life...but yet as human beings I think it is a natural reaction when something drastic happens in the life of someone we know. We don't even have to know that person well or maybe we don't know them we only know of them...yet all the same we make assumptions about them and who they are based upon our own life experiences and expectations...
It is because of this that I have tried to be above the gossip and talk that is not only about me but about those around me. I do not believe in talking about other people...I do not believe it accomplishes anything or makes me a better person, it is the opposite. Every single person in this world will encounter times in their life when all they need is love ~ yet all they receive is hurtful gossip from other people. Is this right? I do not think that as people we should treat each other this way. This is not just because right now I am the center of the gossip ring but instead because I believe we should constantly lift each other up...because at some point you are going to need it too...I am going to need it...someone you know will need it. It is during these down times that you realize how your own words may have affected someone...because you are now feeling it from others...
I have learned that most times people say things not because it has anything to do with you but because of their own learned experiences...or you don't meet up to their expectations of what you should be or do. Not everyone will agree with my life choices...not everyone will think the path I am taking or will take is right...but that what is not what is important to me...and it will never be. This does not make me selfish, self-righteous, or mean that I do not think of other people...but that I have a strong enough soul to get past what others think. If we all lived for everyone else we would never accomplish anything? Would we not all be like floundering fish waiting for someone to tell us what they think about this choice or that? This does not mean that I don't beleive we should put ourselves out there for people in need...or that we should not live a life of giving but instead that we should not care what others think of us. We should not live our lives based on what others will say...
I also believe everyone should have respect for those around you, for their life choices and their own life-walk... We will never truly know why someone does what they do...what their motives are and what in their own personal life has led them make certain decisions... Major or not...I don't know what it is that makes people think their own opinion is worth sharing when it is unwarranted...which it usually is.
I must point out specifically my own life as I have done throughout this entire blog...not because I feel the need to explain my choices but because I feel it is necessary to point out why my life has nothing to do with others. The people I love know me...the people that know me know my heart as fully as I allow...but at the same time no one can fully comprehend another persons heart. Only that person and God...and just because I have all intentions of living a life that is filled with compassion, love, and respect for others does not mean that I will never be disrespectful, nor not compassionate...or not loveing. At the end of the day when I lay my head down at night it is my own mind and heart that must be given to God...not what anyone thinks of me. When I fall asleep and say my prayers it is God who judges me and ultimately He is the only one that has that right. If he created life then he is the only one that has the right to define it...mine, yours...your neighbors...
Like I have said so many times before. This is my journey...its not here for you to judge, for you to make assumptions...it is here for you to see because I have and will continue to have obstacles, laughter, heartache, pain...I will also cause these things without wanting too...but it is reality. I am not perfect, I have never claimed to be... I never will claim to be...I am an on-going project. Just like you are...my life is my own to live. Judge it as you may but it is not yours...I do the best I can at any given moment and it will not always add up to everyones expectations...but that is why it is not yours.

Me

Its been awhile since I have written...and it is not because Im not writing inside my head...but because I needed these thoughts to be mine alone. To be able to toss them around and ponder on what was and is going on in my life. I tend to always put myself out there for others and I have felt a little more protected of myself lately than I have in the past.
I feel as if our lives are filled with moments and people who get us through moments and those who get us through life. Over the last month... and especially the last year...have learned so much about myself and the person I am and the person I want to be. There have been a lot of drastic changes in which I alone have put into motion and I watch as my life continues to change. There are times I feel as if I am watching my life go by...and that I am watching from the outside. Its as if the choices I am making are not or will not affect me now, or in the future.
I believe we should all be encouragers to people and that does not mean just when you agree with their life or choices but at all times. I don't know why all of us go through so many different situations, relationships, deaths, and life-paths but I recognize that some of our paths cross for a reason. If you do not figure out why that is okay but everyone should take something from each moment. One moment lost is one you will enver get back. I believe people tell stories with their life...stories about themselves, their past, their family, their relationships all in the way they live and treat other people. It is so important to always treat others with love and respect...we never know their life story.
My faith in God is strong and as always I know He will carry me through life...and I will continue to change...we can't change the world unless we change ourselves. I am not a finished project...and I do not ever want to be...

ME

I look at my life right now and I wonder where it is taking me?  Throughout my life I have encountered many different obstacles and each one has made me stronger; formed me in some way that was unbeknownst to me at the time.  

Right now I am going through something that cannot be defined, something that hurts not only me but a lot of people around me.  There is no reason or explanation for why things change in this life, or why we do.  I think this is something that just happens...there is no rhyme or reason for why things end up how they do.  Why we love who we do, why we befriend certain people, why some relationships flourish and some fall to pieces.  

It is the changes in our life that guide and bring us closer to each other and to God.  If we walked through life without having to change and re-discover ourselves, we would stay stagnant in our life.  I know that is not how life is supposed to be.  

Each day we wake up, there is potential for change...good or bad.  Yet regardless of how this change may affect us, in the end if you are strong...you will make it through.  I believe there is nothing in this life that we do not have the ability to handle...it just takes effort to find it and hold your head high.

No matter where this life leads me I want to always be strong, keep my head held high, recognize mistakes when they are made, take responsibility for my actions, love unconditionally...and to give myself to all situations and people, you never know what will happen next...I must be real in all situations.

Its a risk we all take, each day...when we give of ourselves and take it away.  This life brings us many wonderful things and also takes some away.  If I do not recognize this as a truth then where would I be?  I need to learn to live without worrying what other people are going to think about my actions.  I think that if I could learn to do this then my freedom walk would not only be easier, but also more real...more true.

The words I write on this page are words I don't have the courage to say out-loud...they are a part of me, a part of my web...and when intertwined they represent who I am and what I want to be.  It is always hard to hurt someone you love, and to make change happen that you know will ultimately hurt you as well...but I think it is the courage that has built up inside of us...from our past and through God...that allows us to walk forward even when we are scared.

There is nothing I want more than to live a life of truth, to see through the foggy times and smile through the hard ones.  This is my journey...this is all a part of it, a part of who I am and what I will become...

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Eclectic

To wonder...

What does it mean,

to question? 

To ponder...

to wish that something was or was not,

to do more than you are,

afraid...

What is life...

to breathe,

to be awake,

to laugh and to cry,

life...

is it yours?

Short...

everything,

time...

moments vanish,

and new ones come,

people you love,

others you don't,

but want to,

my life

To want...

but not to know why,

to love,

uncontrollably so,

to need,

but not to have,

is this what it all is?

Why...

are some people rich,

and others poor?

we all want more,

but never take care of what we have...

does death come to those who are still so alive,

and not to those who are dead inside...

Choices...

we all have them,

to make our own...

to abuse and regret when alone,

to rejoice,

when we took the right road,

do they define us?

do we define them?

God...

gave life...

forgiveness...

freedom....

the answer....

ACTION or STAGNANT

Is it possible to just pick up...to go somewhere...without a plan? There is so much I want to do in this life, so many places I want to see, but more importantly so many people that I am destined to meet. I want to explore, to learn, to walk each day knowing that the past is the past, but that it is with me, that the people from my past are in me, with me.
I want to live around orphans, to travel the world and live more simply. I have no idea how, or when it will...but I know at some point I will be able to look around me and see what I see when I close my eyes. If these are my dreams, if this is what I know God has destined me for, then why is it impossible for me to try? Do you truly need a plan if you are walking blind with God? Can you just trust that He will provide for you or shut the door?
I have so many people scattered all over this earth that I love...this feeling alone keeps me walking...moving. There is a boy in Africa, who has my heart, his life is my own. His heart is my heart. I dream of this boy and some nights these dreams are so real to me that I feel him when I wake up. Some nights Kevin and my brother Kyle are interchangeable, does this mean something? Did the love I have for Kyle, and the love Kyle had for other people find itself in this relationship with Kevin?
I know nothing I have is really mine, there is nothing in my life that cannot vanish in a moment, but I know that there is nothing I won't do to make sure that the moments before they vanish are filled with the love I have for others, my passion. I do not believe in sitting idly by...intensity...its how I think...always moving, thinking, knowing I can do more...but frustrated that I have not. I believe we are called for action, and not just talk about taking action, but actually doing it.
To move, to make decisions, and follow-through. To walk blindly knowing that God will guide us. Erwin McManus says it best, "The need is not to work up our faith in God, but to deepen our confidence in God."
So is it possible to feel God pulling you away from what you know now...even though you don't know everything...and trust this and keep walking forward? I believe that sometimes things are uncertain before they are clear, and that to follow God into the unknown gives God the opportunity to work, for us to know it was God and not ourselves.
I want this life, a life where I know God is using me, that it isn't me...the freedom in that. I want to live among orphans, I want to give of myself so fully that when I lay my head down at night, I am so exhausted with the giving, that my heart is full with contentment and rest. Is this possible for me? And if it is something I want, why can it not be? This is my vision, this is God's life, this is where I want to go. This is the journey that is not truly mine, but one I must take the steps to accomplish...to live fully, it is that simple and yet that complicated.

There are things God does for you and things God waits for you to do. The journey begins when you choose 

Erwin McManus

Kevin

Kevin

Samuel